why the fuck u do that shit

2018-09-25 17:26:00 +0000, 2 weeks and 5 days ago

yeah so basically i’m back on hrt and i ordered a bunch more, like a years worth of cypro and e out of my student overdraft.

i’m seriously fucking sick of sitting inside all day feeling sorry for myself over this. why on earth would i detransition solely because i thought i’d be allowed to have ‘genuine human interactions’ - pretty stupid considering i haven’t had any of those in the last 8 months since i stopped and cut my hair off.

i’m 19 now, i need to just commit. i’ve hurt a lot of people with this and i feel awful about it. when i stopped most people were happy for me, i guess because they were relieved i’d have an easier life without this now - either that or it’s what they really wanted all along, i don’t know.

haha yes, lets all laugh at the stupid ugly tranny. it wasnt supposed to be like this, i got in early, i told my psych at 14 but i still feel like the NHS failed me and now im doomed to just live in misery. i keep staring at my wall and crying every now and then, maybe its the hormones doing this, probably not.

i don’t think i’ll come out socially for a while, idk, last time i got shoehorned into it by the NHS since it was a requirement for hrt - i might take a year on meds first. i think i’ll ask my gp to re-refer me back to the GID so i can get the meds for free instead of getting it out my pocket.

it’s not an issue with money, more so just the logistics aspect of it, ordering prescription medication from overseas has inherent risks, for example my meds are supposed to come within the next 4 or so days, but i only have about 2 weeks of cypro left - if that parcel gets lost or anything i’m really in the shit.

i’m kinda regretting going to uni now too, i’m seriously considering dropping out after this year and deferring my placement for 2 years so i can get a job and get ffs. if i stay at uni it’ll mean i won’t get ffs for at least 5 years, and to be honest the thought of presenting male for so long really doesnt make me feel good. nothing feels like it matters anymore, i worked so hard to get here and i don’t even care. i don’t want to be here.

saying all these things is all okay when i’m alone in my room, but when i go outside and see other people & i can see the difference between us, it makes me want to just curl up and die.


26/09/18 11:47pm

alright, now i’ve had some time to think about this. i think my only realistic option is to drop out after my 1st year and defer my course a year on the grounds of medical stuff, in which time i’ll get a job at DHL again (a better paid placement though). i’ve figured i can earn about £28-30,000 depending on my performance which is more than enough for full ffs, maybe less depending on what my consultations suggest. i’ve been looking into a few surgeons and the general consensus is either dr. zukowski/spiegel/harrison lee. i’m gonna send out a few emails later this year.

i do feel like i’m taking a sort of large risk with my degree, i worked really hard to get into this uni and i’m worried i might forget too much information and it’ll be difficult 2nd year and onwards. regardless of what happens i’m still going to work hard this year. if i were to stay on my course without getting ffs i genuinely think i’d drop out permanently, either that or kill myself. the thought of being 24 and still nowhere near to being where i want to be… it’s not something i’m going to consider anymore.

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